to hate is to forget?

yesterday I talked about people with d new character in my new place, here in makassar. I also talked about the different culture or habit around a year ago, however I am affraid to say that the general character that I've founded during almost my 2 year in makassar is part of their culture, because several people coming from java that stay here doing the same thing. It's about the character and attitude of several men, not all, but uhhmmm.. sorry to say, almost all.

I used to live among the normal people, ordinary people, and they run on their regular track. Just the simple, normal, ordinary and common life!!In my school, my campus, organization, I am in a very ordinary people and environment where the islamic sphere is really dominating . I have only four men in my life, but they were very nice to me during our relationship and they are still my friends until now because we had a very good time and never hurt each other. I never knew such a man that hurt someone's heart and does the thing that they like without considering other's heart.

But things are going differently in this new place. Any different attitude in this new city is just shocking me becauseI probably never know those character closely or maybe just out of my reachable area.

My first coming in Makassar, I feel there's so much differences. or maybe people here is just so honest in expressing something. They can expressively adore the sexy women passing by, expressively touch this and that, expressively talk about anything even the private thing and expressively make many fun relationship with many girls. What d hell is happening when a man is freely touching, seducing, making a sweet words to another girl in front of his girlfriend ? (well, it's covered by what they called as a "joke" ). What kind of relationship when a girlfriend lets her boyfriend dating another girl without any objection ?. What does the meaning of a marriage when a wife lets her husband asking a lunch or dinner for another girl ? it's such a crazy thing and the more crazy thing is I went with the flow and got lost into it.

No, dont think that I dated a married man!! It surely never happen.

I just made such a "close relationship" with a guy that many people actually has warned me for his "track record" in (conquering?) playing around with women's heart (damn I really hate these words). But I ignored those warning, I thought I can keep my feeling to not go too far, I thought I can protect my own heart for breaking (like other girls), i thought I really can save myself. I was wrong, He is just too expert in playing d drama, too expert in arranging the sweet words and too expert to look for d mistake of another to blame someone for any heart breaking. Yes, he did, He made it to me!! HE SUCCESSFULLY MAKE ME FOOL!!

Every nights then I ask to God, not much, only taking this crazy feeling to him and to forget anything about him. I dont have any plans to do revenge or to hurt him back. I only want to forget!! that's it that's all!! I never want anything. My best friend ellie has ever said to me "every people coming to our life has their own reason, there must me a good thing that we can take for a lesson of life, even our enemy or anyone that hurt us the most". Therefore I never planned to hate someone or hurt someone that draw the pain in me. I only wish to God that I can forget, yeah only forget.

Now, I really can forget him, never adore or even think about him. BUT, I hate him. I dont know how to tell, but this is what I feel right now. I even hate to hear anything about him.I really can't pretend, I hate him.

IS THAT TRUE "TO FORGET IS TO HATE"? is the hatred d only way to forgive and forget. I dont think so. I myself can't avoid this new feeling. It's kind of new challenge for me, to lift up d hatred in my heart and be nice like I knew him for the first time. God, now I wish for one new thing, please take this hatred away from my heart.

I am strong coz I believe in Him!!!

When i got nothing for every prays and wishes, when I thought that God is probably giving me so much pain and sadness, thanks God I still believe that He must have a reason for every problems i have. i trust him, no matter what. i believe that he will give d thing that i need, not what I want, the one that I can live with, not d one I can't live with.

I used to play hard, work hard, compete hard. I never get what I want easily. I used to struggle for the thing that want it the most. I study and manage my time hard until I achieve my cumlaude predicate with high index cummulative achievement while actively working on organizations and debate competitions. I kept applying d scholarship n believing that someday I would across d ocean, then I suddenly made it in the end of 2008. I study hard, work hard and compete hard.

After graduation, d real life is even harder, I meet the new challenges, people with d new characters and new problems. almost 2 years after graduation, my prays and wishes are not seeming to come true. God seems never listening to my demands. I take number of risks, pass many interviews and tests and also gets many offerings. However, it seems that should take thousands of steps to reach the targets.

With those ups and downs on my life, I keep on praying, keep on wishing and keep on believing that someday God with answer all my questions, my problems, my prays, my wishes and my demands.